There is a truth I am only beginning to see today… These past several weeks are like layers of stuff is coming down. I am shedding…  It does not arrive all at once though, it comes in waves. Massive waves!  It reveals itself in those layers. First, you see the external events. Then, your reactions. Then, the fear. It is hard to explain what actually happens, but the best I could describe as if I am watching a movie, with myself! Where I am the main hero, I am the one who is watching, I am the one who is feeling and reacting and I am the one who is allowing it all to happen.  And then suddenly, the program itself becomes visible! OMG, I see the programming, GENERATIONAL programming, the one you have been living inside.

So today while driving to visit my daughter in Rochester, I began to see clearly how many times in my life I agreed to things, even though I did not agree with inside. Not because I wanted to agree. Not because I chose them. I agreed, because I was afraid. Not afraid of the moment itself! That is the paradox. IN THE MOMENT I was actually doing it, I was creating this personal hell on Earth, right now! With my own hands…  Because I was afraid of the future. My teachers told this many times to me and only today I was able to actually “feel it” and “see it”…

Somewhere deep inside me lived the imprint: if I did not do what authorities expected of me, if I did not comply, if I did not agree, something bad would happen to me. I would lose love. I would lose safety. I would lose belonging. I would be left alone. Or the polarity – if I do what authorities told me than I would gain love, I would gain safety, belonging etc. It always played this or that scenario. First, I simply “saw” this, I saw HOW I start a new cycle from this position and this foundation. And in that moment, the quietest and most devastating betrayal would occur. Not someone else’s betrayal. My own. I would violate my own consent… Naturally, other people had all the rights to violate my consent also! You know, several weeks ago I saw this video about mother teaching her son about consent, you must watch it also: What is consent? VERY practical

My body said no. My core screamed no. But my fear was much stronger. The programming has a lot of power! And I agreed... Not because it was true for me, but because it felt like the only way to preserve the connection, preserve the future, preserve the life I believed I needed. This is where self-betrayal begins. They say that betrayal of another is horrible (and it is), however, it actually starts at the core of the one who betrays: they betray themselves over and over again. They cheat on themselves. They violate their own consent or not-consent.

It never begins with a physical act. It begins in the moment you stop listening to your inner voice and choose safety over truth. That whisper, that sticky whisper “aaaah! Say “yes” and you will earn love”. Distortion of YOUR world, distortion of YOUR life, distorting of YOUR mission, distortion of YOUR purpose. This is truly Devil’s work. When you betray your own knowing so that someone else’s illusion can survive… I saw Him… Today we met and I saw His creation. It is actually beautiful, and it was done from love… It is hard to express with words, because there are only feelings… Distortion ALWAYS happens through people you love so much, but only if your fear is bigger than your love for YOUR truth. You don’t bend over, you stand strong and tall EVEN when every system in you collapses, EVEN when the program tries to pull you back… You stand tall and keep saying “no”! I am going back to my yesterday and I realize that I did not feel guilty or shameful. I felt fear, yes. It was not my fear. I felt guilt, but it was not mine, because I didn’t even let it touch me. I was holding a space for another person who was going through healing process. In the moment when I didn’t bend over – nothing actually happened! I am still loved. I am still alive…

I began to see that this did not happen once. It was a program. VERY deep. Ancient, it actually has a smell... It passed through generations. A program in which a woman was taught that her safety depended on her agreement. That her love depended on her compliance. That her worth depended on her ability not to disappoint the authority.

The most painful realization came when I saw how even a love I believed was otherworldly could cross my boundaries. If I abused myself, then the true love will also abuse me. Not out of cruelty,  not out of an intention to harm. He did it, because the system itself was built on the idea that my no could be bypassed, if the belief in the future was strong enough, if the insistence was steady enough, if the illusion of “one day it will all be right because eventually I will present offers” was maintained. I remembered the exact moment when my body no longer responded. When my lips were cold. When there was no answer inside me. When I even said out loud “no”. When I cried and spoke words that came not from my mind, but from somewhere deeper: then this will be the death of us. And even then, part of me still agreed, still betrayed myself, still betrayed my non consent. I agreed not out of desire, I agreed out of fear of losing what I believed was my destiny in the future. The funny thing is that I am in this future and this person is not in it now…

Today I understand this was not weakness. It was survival. It is important to say this clearly: when a woman agrees out of fear, it is not true consent. It is the nervous system trying to preserve connection, reduce threat, and endure the moment. It is an ancient biological mechanism designed to protect life. Nature protects us from being extinction. Nature gives us lubrication and even orgasm during these times. That actually confuses a woman, an unconscious woman, because she starts feeling guilty for actually enjoying this.  The female body is profoundly wise. Even in situations where the body does not choose what is happening, it can respond in ways that protect itself from deeper injury. This does not mean desire. It simply means protection. It means life within is doing everything it can to survive. And my dear sister, your body did what it had to, because the only job your body has is to make sure you continue living! And this is why it is so important to stop blaming yourself in case you do. Here is a simple truth that should bring immense release: do not blame yourself for the agreements that were made out of fear in the past. This experience was not a mistake. It was part of awakening. Part of a path that women before you have walked. And part of a path that is ending now.

I saw how generations of women learned to agree so they would not lose love. So they would not disappoint. So they would not break connection. So they would survive. And I saw how that program lived inside me. But the most important thing is this: I saw that it no longer governs me. I can hold the space and be present.

Today, for the first time, I feel the difference between agreement born of fear and agreement born of truth. True consent does not come from the need to preserve something. It comes from natural response. There is no tension in it. No coldness. No tears. There is life in it. It has so much power! And you personally feel it in you, in your body, and how it shakes from all that suppressed power… others feel it too… they can’t even look into your eyes straight, they can’t hold the gaze… even the person who is the main person in your life – look away from that look in your eyes and the words you are saying.

My body, my soul and my Spirit are no longer willing to betray themselves for a future that exists only in promises, in empty words. I passed the test yesterday with my parents. My body no longer follows the carrot held in front of me to keep me walking against myself, wasting my own resources. I no longer agree out of fear. This is not the destruction of love. It is its return actually! Because real love never requires self-betrayal, endurance, tolerance... Real love does not exist where the truth of the body is ignored or consent is violated.  Today I reclaim my right to say no. And with it, I reclaim my right to a true yes, the one that is born not from fear, but from freedom, from respect, from joy, from that calling…

And this is where my new life begins.

Come in. Sit down. You know the place.
Just leave your shoes beside the door.
I washed the floor to hide disgrace —
My tears have done this work before.

Come in. You did not come in vain.
You’ll leave — I’ll ache like times before.
I washed the floor to drain the pain,
And I will wash the dishes more.

To wash away illusion’s art,
To know the villains from the start.

I see your fury in your stare,
Your eyes like coals that fiercely burn.
You bristle sharp with poisoned air,
Like rose thorns waiting for their turn.

This is an ancient rite I know —
A cleansing born of salted streams.
Though tears make everything unclear,
They sharpen truth beyond our dreams.

Come in, if only to offend,
To wound me like you did before.
My mind must break, my heart must mend,
So I see devils at the door.

It does not suit a man to wear
A hunted glance, unsure and weak.
How does your silence feel in there?
What truth is it you dare not speak?

If I am calm before your lies,
It does not mean I did not bleed.
I watch your soul with naked eyes —
More than the body, souls concede.

Call me whatever helps you cope —
Each word will ring hollow and thin.
For worse than loneliness is hope
That feeds on what can still be won.

And so we’ve reached the final line,
There is one reason, clear and true:
It does not suit a woman’s spine
To stand beside a man untrue.