Since we are all going through the channel 37-40, I see a lot of people are under pressure to understand their relationships, whether they are romantic, friendship, business... 

We will talk about romantic here.. There are stories that look like coincidence. Different people. Different lives. Different circumstances… and yet the same pattern keeps repeating with unsettling precision. And the patter is this:

• Love is there.
• Connection is there.
• Something real is there.

And still, at the most essential moment, one simple thing doesn’t happen - the actual choice. No one fully steps in. No one anchors it... Nothing becomes form... At some point, the question stops being avoidable. Is this really random… or is there a deeper structure moving through us?

If you look through the lens of Family Systems therapies, it becomes clear that we rarely live only our own story. We carry forward what was left unresolved before us, often without knowing it. This is not about mysticism anymore, science is discovering how these patterns are passed down to us. It is about transmission of necessary information for survival purposes. This is how your ancestors survived, so when you are born, you have THAT information, necessary skills and knowledge... Nature is amazing this way and very efficient. Your bloodline doesn't want you to re-invent the wheel. If you are aware of these patterns and say "not my story, folks! thank you though for warning! I think I will create my own now to pass down" - it is one thing, but most of us are not aware. It takes a lot of work! 

SO that transmission is subtle, unspoken, but precise! When something essential is disrupted in a system, wether it is belonging, connection, the bond to mother or father, it doesn’t disappear. It simply repeats. Sometimes directly. Sometimes in distorted form. And one of the most visible places this shows up is in relationships.

There is a particular pattern that runs deep across generations. I see it more often these days... A break with the masculine pole. It can take many shapes. For example: 

• An absent father.
• A father who was never spoken about.
• A father who was diminished or rejected.
• A father who existed physically, but never became a source of support.

Or a more complex version unfolds when a stepfather is physically present, yet never truly becomes “father” in the deeper sense. A child may understand the situation intellectually, may even accept it on the surface, but somewhere beneath that, at the level of embodied experience and as a state, there is no full recognition. Not rejection, not resistance, just an absence of that quiet, unquestioned knowing: THIS IS my father. In that child's heart there always gong to be a search for THAT father where they came from... 

From the outside, these can easily be explained away as life circumstances. Inside the system, they carry a very different weight. The father is not just a person. He represents a source. To feel this more directly, imagine the beginning of life. A baby in the womb, held in darkness, surrounded, contained. And then the movement.... pressure, transition, emergence... being brought out of that darkness into the light, into the arms that receive. From the inner world of the mother into the outer world that the father represents. It is less about the individuals, and more about what they embody. One holds the origin. The other opens the passage into life beyond it - direction, mutation, initiation... Through father, we build our internal sense of structure, direction, the ability to move forward and hold our place in life. When that connection is fractured, it does not always become conscious. But it starts to show up in behavior.

A man may feel deeply… but cannot hold. He may love… but cannot stay. He may connect…  but cannot choose...  fully choose... with his heart... EVEN when a man is married, the inside there is no peace, because there is not a full choice. 

And so relationships begin to live in a suspended state. There is no clear conflict and no clear ending. and no movement forward either. There is a phrase that often appears in these dynamics. “I love you, but you deserve better.” It sounds gentle, even noble. But if you listen closely, there is a fracture inside it. Love is present... Choice is not! and this is not about the other person really. It is about an internal inability to unify feeling with action. Coherence is broken. 

These patterns rarely end with one generation. They continue moving forward, not through what is taught directly, but through what is lived. Children grow inside a field where certain dynamics feel normal. What we carry from those before us does not stay contained within us, it moves through us and into the next generation. We can say all the right things. We can speak about love, family, connection. Yet children are not shaped by words alone. They sense the internal state beneath them. They register the subtle dissonance when what is said does not match what is lived. When a parent says, “family is everything,” but lives in distance, inconsistency, or emotional absence, for example, that contradiction becomes the real lesson.

Sometimes it expresses itself even more quietly, as a lack of desire to build a family, to continue a lineage, to deepen into partnership. They are not doing it because of the rebellion or some ideology. More like a quiet sense that there is nowhere to go forward with it. In Family constellations this is often described as a loss of movement in the system. The energy that should move forward becomes stuck. 

There is another layer that makes this pattern especially persistent. It is not only inherited. It is also recreated through choice. A person raised inside this dynamic will often feel drawn to what is familiar, even when it hurts. They may meet someone who is clear, present, willing to choose and build something real… and suddenly feel tension. 

• Doubt.
• Distrust.
• A subtle urge to pull away.

They don't believe that THEY COULD BE CHOSEN! this is not how their pattern works from the inside! At the same time, they may feel pulled toward someone uncertain, unavailable, undefined. Because there is recognition there! Because this is what they call "REAL LOVE"! That dynamic feels known. It has a structure the nervous system understands. And so an illusion forms. I call them stories... 

“Wrong partners.”
“Bad timing.”
“It just didn’t work out.”

But if you look closely, the pattern is not random. It is repeating. There are rare moments when something changes. Not intellectually,  through direct seeing into the pattern. A moment where it becomes undeniable. This is not just about them. This is not just about my parents. This is alive in me. And in that moment, something opens that was not available before.

CHOICE.

Not the choice of a different partner, but the choice of a different internal state. It does not feel dramatic. Where there was intensity, there is now calm. Where there was confusion, there is now clarity. Where there was no choice, there is now a quiet yes. And that is often the most unsettling part.... at the begining. Because the system knows how to survive in chaos, but it does not know how to live in stability.  So fear appears. And fear here appears not as danger, but as unfamiliarity, incertainty.... Change does not come from analyzing others. And it does not come from trying to fix a partner. It begins in something much more precise. Noticing where you are stepping back into the familiar pattern… and pausing. Noticing where you want to dismiss someone who chooses you… and staying. Noticing where you are drawn to uncertainty… and asking yourself what exactly feels alive there.

This is not a fast process. And it is not linear. But there is one point that will change everything. The moment you stop explaining your life through the past… and start seeing how you are creating it now. That is where an inherited pattern stops being destiny.

And becomes something that can end with you. Your children will sense THAT in you too... and they WILL have a choice as well now...