I am writing this to the woman who woke up. Hello, sister. I am glad you are here. You did not wake up from sleep. You woke up from illusion. Illusions are not the enemy, they are part of this life. They are the veils through which we learn, the stories we enter so that we can eventually see more clearly. But some illusions cost you years. Some illusions cost you your softness, your trust, your sense of being held. You were taught to believe that love is endurance. That love is rescue. That love is waiting… waiting while a boy becomes a man, waiting while potential becomes reality, waiting while promises become form. But love was never meant to be waiting. Love is recognition. You recognize a man not by what he might become, but by what he already is. And yes, when you chose him, you were driven by hope. Hope that he would rise. Hope that he would step into himself. Hope that one day you would finally be able to relax and follow him instead of carrying both of you.

But in truth, in most of these marriages, you did not meet a man you could follow. You met a man you had to raise. You became the stabilizer, the motivator, the emotional spine of the relationship. You held the direction, hoping that one day he would take it from your hands. And when that day never came, something inside you changed. You stopped believing in what was promised and began seeing what was real. And once a woman sees clearly, she cannot return to illusion.

Fact is - you recognize THE man not because he is beautiful or because he says the right words, and not because he promises you that amazing future. You recognize him by how your nervous system responds to his presence. Do you contract beside him, or do you soften? Do you become stronger, or do you begin to disappear? There is a moment when a woman stops choosing a man from hope and begins choosing from truth. And if you are reading this, it means you are already there.

You never sought love, actually. You wanted to seek direction! A woman who has found herself no longer searches for someone who will simply be beside her. She searches for the one who is already walking his own path.

Uncontrollability is the word many fear, but the body recognizes first. An uncontrollable man is not the one who argues, not the one who shouts, creates drama and hysteria and not the one who destroys. He is the one who cannot be diverted from his path. He does not move from fear of losing you. He moves from knowing who he is.

The paradox is this: most women are instinctively drawn to uncontrollable men. Approximately 80% of women feel this pull, not because they consciously decide it, but because something deeper in them recognizes direction, autonomy, and inner certainty. Yet those same men rarely choose women who are easy to control. They choose women who mirror their nature, women who also belong to themselves. And this leaves many other women standing in a different position. Not because they lack worth, but because uncontrollable men do not seek availability. They seek equivalence!

I remember a male friend once saying to me, “Majority of men don’t choose the best woman. They choose the woman who is available.” There was a quiet sadness in that statement, because it revealed something many people sense but rarely admit. Availability is not the same as alignment. Availability is proximity (mainly having available vagina, yes, this is who you are for him). However, alignment is recognition! When a woman sees a man who is NOT afraid of loosing availability of YOUR vagina, because he is ok, that is a different vibe, right? If you are not up to his standards, you want to chase him. However, if you are at the top of that “food chain” the worthy men will chase YOU, my dear. And if you worry about him leaving your house with full balls, then... you know the answer too. 

At the highest levels of attraction, and this is true not only for humans but across the animal world, selection is not random. Those with the strongest internal position tend to choose first. They are drawn to those who carry the same level of inner independence, vitality, and presence. This is not cruelty, it is nature’s mechanism of coherence. Mother Earth wants to create the best of the best species and those on other lines of food chain may be sacrificed for other things. Yes, we are all needed after all.

When a man does not experience the attention of women he deeply desires, he often tells himself a different story. He tells himself that he prefers simplicity, that he values stability, that he never wanted anything else and wanted one woman for the rest of his life. And sometimes this is true, rarely though. Because sometimes it is a form of emotional survival, a way to create meaning, a personal narrative around what was actually accessible, rather than what was truly aligned. And most likely the choice of that woman for you was tested by men from the top of the chain already and got dismissed…

Real selection is not about settling. It is about recognition between two people who both belong fully to themselves. They are not cruel, they are whole! A woman feels this through her skin, with every cell, through presence alone. You emit energy, the vibe… SHE feels it in her body! She does not have to force herself to follow him. She wants to follow him.

If you are a strong woman, then only a stronger man can stand beside you. This is a truth rarely spoken aloud. If you are already uncontrollable yourself and know your worth, if you no longer live from fear or lack, if you already walk your own path, you will not be able to respect a man who is internally weaker than you. These men will lose that access to you. My aunt used to tell me this phrase when I was young and started to date and had emotional love drama: “dear, if this is your man, he will be yours no matter what, you don’t need to do anything differently for him or yourself. If he is not yours – then he will dry out like shit and fall off”. It’s true! You may love him... You may feel compassion for him... You may try to inspire him… But at one point you will realize that you will not be able to follow him. And a woman can only truly desire the man she respects and when she respects a man, she wants to follow him. Women don’t want to lead like men do. We want to follow a man, we want to strengthen from within the path we said “yes” to… through him…

When your man needs to be told what to do, you become his mother. When a man needs to be directed, you become his system of control. When a man needs to be saved, you stop being his woman. You become the foundation for someone who was meant to be the foundation for you. And in that moment, something dies. No, not love... You still love him with all your heart. What dies is respect. And without respect, relationship cannot survive.

You will always recognize a man by his direction. The defining trait of a man is not his words. It is his movement. You can reject this idea all you want, but men IS the direction, a spark. He moves, he evolves, he makes decisions, he gets into trouble, he tries new things, he risks... He does not avoid responsibility. He does not need permission to live his life. He does not wait for instructions. He does not seek external approval. He simply knows.

And beside such a man, something happens that cannot be imitated. You, my dear sister, relax. You don’t feel that internal pressure to monitor and control him on what he is doing… You relax… Not because he promised safety, because his presence in your life itself is safety. You stop living in control. You stop scanning for threats. You stop preparing for disappointments. You know. If something happens, he will act.

The men you will never choose again. There are signs that cannot be unseen once you have seen truth. You will never again respect the man who loses control over himself, who becomes crude or aggressive, who ignores your emotional reality, who acts from fear, who hides from life instead of meeting it, who cannot create more resources, yet… resists growth, because he is afraid of being uncomfortable during change, who lives a double life, actually, who wears masks, or who tries to control you instead of mastering himself. Because you understand something fundamental. Aggression in any form (passive or active) is not strength. Aggression is panic. Aggression is the absence of an inner center.

True strength never shouts. It simply exists.

The moment you see the mask, and can never unsee it. There is a moment when you realize that the man you believed in was an image, not an actual person you thought you fell in love with. He was strong in words, but weak in action. He was confident in public, but lost in reality. He was one person here, and then he became another there. In that moment, respect disappears instantly, because you understand you believed a boy, not a man. You believed an illusion, in that mask, that was pretending to be a man.

A real man has no duality. He is the same at work, at home, in public, in intimacy, alone with you, and alone with himself. There is no gap between his words and his actions. He does not perform a role. He lives. And there is no need for him to justify why he does what he does. His answer might be “because I want to!” And that is why trust exists beside him.

A real man is a unified system.  This is one of the rarest signs of true masculine status: the absence of fragmentation. At least not all the time. We are all fragmented, but maybe for him is that he is aware when he is fragmented. He does not construct an image, at least he doesn’t try to. Maybe better is that he does not adapt his identity to be accepted. He does not become convenient for someone else. He lives as a unified whole. His words align with his actions. His intentions align with his life. His presence aligns with his promises. His life and reality shows him that alignment – through his hobbies, work, and most importantly – his personal life. A woman does not need to test him. She simply knows. She sees his life, not through words, but through reality.

A man is defined not by words, but by his presence in your life. A man is either present, or he is absent. There is no middle state. I know it is hard for you to hear it. You want to hope… No, there is no middle state – either he is in or he is not… and if you have hopes for years that one day he will be in – then I will disappoint you, my dear sister. He will never be in. Because a man knows the worthy woman and he knows that he better be in, so other stronger men don’t snatch you.

If you have met your man, then you do not need to wonder where he is. You do not need to doubt whether he has chosen you. You do not need to question whether he is real with you. Because the man who has chosen you is present. Physically. Tangibly. Consistently. HE IS HERE! Is he? His life confirms his choice. Not his words.

Why does society fears real masculine strength? Because real strength cannot be controlled. Society attempts to convince men to become convenient, predictable, and safe. But strength is not aggression. Strength is presence. Strength is direction. Strength is clarity. A man with an inner center does not weaken himself to be accepted. He remains himself. And that is why he cannot be replaced. Some people call it freedom, I call it – willful man.

The hardest truth you will accept. You cannot change a man. You can only see him. And choose to follow, NOT to lead him. If you feel respect beside him, you stay. If you feel anxiety, doubt and confusion beside him, you leave. Because relationships are not built through words. They are built through what you allow to exist in your reality. Sometimes a man grows. Sometimes he does not. But you no longer wait. You choose… something else…

What happens when you finally choose correctly. You stop fighting. You stop controlling. You stop doubting. You stop fearing loss. This is going to be noticeable! Because for the first time, you stand beside a man who has already found himself. And a man who has found himself does not lose the woman he has truly chosen. He does not choose from fear of loneliness. He chooses from strength. And only beside such a man does a woman follow not because she must, because her soul recognizes direction in him.

And finally… Not everyone is meant to stand at the top of any imagined chain. We all want to! But not being there is not a failure. That is simply truth that you may need to accept about yourself. The real question is not whether you are at the top. The real question is whether your life reflects who you truly are! Look at the person beside you. Look at your spouse. Look carefully, without illusion, without justification, without fear. Do they mirror your inner world? Are they the continuation of your direction? Do they strengthen what already lives inside you, or do they weaken it? Do you feel more alive because they exist, or have you learned to live with less of yourself to remain where you are? When other people look at you both they envy you by saying “holy shit! Your woman (man) is amazing and I hate you, bitch(asshole), for meeting her/him first. Does she/he have a friend?”

Only you know the answer.

And if you can say, honestly, without hesitation, “Yes. I am with this person not because I am afraid to be alone, not because I settled, not because it was convenient, but because something in my soul recognized itself in them,” then there is nothing to question. That is alignment. That is truth. But if you cannot say this, if something inside you knows that you chose from fear, from loneliness, from uncertainty, from the need to secure something instead of the courage to wait for what was real, then there is only one path forward. Not immediate destruction. Not impulsive decisions. But honesty. Honesty begins within yourself… It begins when you admit the truth you have been afraid to speak. Perhaps you were afraid of being alone. Perhaps you were afraid of being wrong. Perhaps you were afraid that no one else would choose you, that they will reject you. Perhaps you betrayed your own knowing in order to create safety. This is where transformation begins, not with action, but with truth…. Which is the first action to transformation.

And then comes the moment of sharing that truth with the person beside you. Not as an accusation. Not as a weapon… as clarity… You tell them where you truly are. You tell them what you have realized about yourself. You tell them what has been real for you, even if you were afraid to see it before. You can tell them that you believed in a fairy tale for a long time and the truth is that it is hard for your to let go of this fairy tale, that you are conflicted about that, but you also know that you can’t go on like this any longer… That you are unhappy. That you look around as if there is someone better… you are unsettled where you are. And in that moment, something sacred happens. They will either meet you there, in truth, and reveal themselves honestly as well. Or they will not… If they do, you may rediscover each other in a deeper way. You may see that your paths are still aligned, that beneath the fear and illusion there was something real all along and there is nothing to fear actually. Or you may see, together and without blame, that your paths are no longer the same and it removes the fear and drama as well. I actually learnt that honesty is so healing! And that honesty is the immediate healing! Both outcomes are acts of liberation. There is no wrong outcome, but you, my dear, will breath a bit more deeper, your body will lose this tension “brace for the impact!” Because the only real tragedy is not separation. The real tragedy is living an entire life disconnected from yourself. It is reaching the end of your years and realizing that you never allowed yourself to stand fully inside your own truth… that truth is your confession, your realization in this world, your creation of this world by you… God is watching you!

Life does not ask you to be at the top. Life asks you to be real. And when you finally become real, everything that belongs with you will remain. And everything that does not will fall away, not as loss, but as return, return to yourself, return to your direction, return to the life that was always waiting for you to choose it.