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The visual that makes it real...

13.04.2026 | 13.04.2026 | Категория Death

 

There are visuals that don’t try to inspire. They don’t sell hope, don’t promise a new life starting Monday, don’t soften reality with comforting words. They do something far more unsettling. They place you in front of a fact! Quietly... Coldly... Ruthlessly... And that is exactly why you can’t unsee them! No more stories... 

One of those visuals is life laid out in months like this above. A simple grid of small circles. No philosophy, no drama... Just a finite number of marks, each one representing a month lived.  YOUR month lived... And suddenly something changed inside you. FUCK! Life is no longer abstract. It becomes actually countable. Tangible! It stops being “someday” and turns into a sequence that is already moving and already dissolving.. one circle at a time. Even me now writing this blog is that moment - I wrote a sentence to move and it is dissolved that same moment... What an amazing process!  

What makes this so uncomfortable is how directly it confronts the illusion most people live inside. The belief that there is always more time... That life is some kind of expandable storage, always ready to hold one more season, one more attempt, one more delay. So we postpone conversations, decisions, departures, confessions, rest, love, care for the body, creative impulses, truth. Everything moves into “later.” A later that feels infinite until it is translated into circles that quietly disappear without asking for permission. My next circle is in the middle of April... 

The mind doesn’t like this confrontation. It immediately begins negotiating. Maybe ninety years isn’t the limit. Maybe there will be more! Medicine is advancing. People live longer now. I still have time. Or another clever version - maybe not in this life, but in the next one! yeah... one wise woman told me once in the deep state of transe - THIS life matters! In that moment you can almost see the mechanism of avoidance in motion. Because the visual was never about predicting death. It was about revealing how life is actually consumed... and who is navigating? 

Life doesn’t burn in years. It fades in months. Quietly and politely... Another circle gone while you replay a conflict that ended years ago... Another circle gone while you argue with someone you will never meet in person and in truth... Another circle gone while you wait to feel ready...

There is something brutally honest in this simplicity. It removes the comfort of vague optimism. It doesn’t allow you to hide behind phrases like “everything is ahead.” Instead it offers a structure that is difficult to romanticize. Rows. Limits. A visible end. And suddenly the slogans lose their power, because the circles don’t lie. It actually grounds you into NOW. because you know what? those circles are typical life span of someone... your personal circles may not be 90... you may only have 60... or 50... or 2... Everything is ahead is the lie... everything is NOW. After certain age we all feel the effects of time in our bodies. They don't work as before... 

What becomes even more striking is the contradiction between what people say and how they live. Time is declared the most valuable resource. Everyone agrees with this. It has become a cultural ritual. And yet, when you observe how time is actually spent, it begins to resemble something almost absurd. Hours dissolve into worrying about other people’s opinions. Months are invested in relationships that have already lost their life. Years are exchanged for work that drains energy in return for things that don’t even bring joy. Entire internal landscapes are consumed by the question of whether you are enough.

And there is a layer here that is even harder to admit. We don’t only waste our own time. We quietly take it from others. We hold people in places that no longer have truth in them. We delay honest conversations. We soften reality, distort it, postpone clarity, just to avoid discomfort. Your mind distorts the true reality as "kindness" and "we do it for them" and "we are making them happy this way". Your mind is telling you that this is actual care. But underneath, it is often fear. Fear of being seen, of being rejected, of standing alone in a decision that is already clear inside... So we stretch situations that should have ended. We keep doors half-open. We give just enough attention to maintain connection, but not enough truth to set anyone free. And in doing so, we add that karma into ourselves - we not only wasted our own circle, we also stole someone else's... Someone else's chance to actually stand in their truth and make their own decisions. 

And underneath all of this runs the same pattern. The expectation that life will begin later. When things stabilize. When it becomes easier. When this phase is over. When clarity arrives miraculously after you see the proof that it is finally here! As if waiting to be certified one day to start walking confidently. That wait for permission to be granted. The quiet devotion to postponement. A belief system so normalized that it rarely gets questioned. 

But there is a detail that changes everything. Any change also requires time. Any decision, any healing, any new beginning, any movement toward something real is paid for with the same circles. They don’t multiply because you want them to. They don’t stretch because you finally decided to live differently. They remain what they are. Limited...

This is where another illusion dissolves. Aging is not an event. It doesn’t arrive suddenly one morning with a dramatic realization. It accumulates. Slowly. Gradually. Invisibly.... as a sequence... as a process... Life doesn’t collapse in one moment. It drains in increments, while attention is captured by things that feel urgent (to your mind) but are rarely essential.

And yet, within this harsh clarity there is something unexpectedly liberating. When the illusion of endless time disappears, something else becomes possible. Choice. Not the perfect choice, not the fully prepared one, but a real one. A present one.

You begin to see that waiting for the ideal state is another form of absence.

  • That holding on to what has already ended is a quiet way of leaving your own life.
  • That saving love, postponing rest, neglecting the body, and betraying your own direction are not neutral acts.

They are decisions. Paid for in months.

Life does not ask for perfection. It asks for presence. Not when everything is resolved, but now. Not when you become a better version of yourself, but while you are still unfinished, uncertain, ALIVE. There is no separate moment where the real life begins after preparation. The preparation IS the life itself now.

And this is where the image completes itself as a mirror. You don’t have infinity. You have a grid... And every empty circle is still available to be filled with something alive today. Not necessarily impressive. Not necessarily ideal. Just alive... 

And perhaps that is enough. Enough to reach the final point not with the feeling that life was constantly postponed, but with a quiet recognition that you were actually there, inside it, while it was happening.

And I sit here, on this spring Monday... and contemplate on today... I woke up! I continue my grid today.... What is important today? Where do I keep wasting my life? what things I am trying to wait for as if those things will give me some permission? What is my truth today? Typically my theme is around people... and I see how much attachment I had to some people as if they held an amazing future for me... some benefit... 

When those benefit disappears, the illusion of closeness begins to dissolve with it without any dramatic ending. One day you simply notice that it has become quieter around you. People who once said all the right things suddenly become busy. Those who promised “always” and "never leave you".... begin to find reasons for “not now” and "sorry, I actually never meant it like this"... And this is not about betrayal in the usual sense. This is about clarity.

Benefit often moves through relationships like a quiet, invisible currency. It doesn’t have to be material to be powerful. It can be attention, emotional comfort, convenience, the subtle reassurance of feeling needed, admired, or right. As long as this exchange flows, it creates a sense of connection that feels warm, familiar, even meaningful. At times, it is easy to mistake this current for love.

But something changes the moment that exchange no longer serves its hidden purpose. When the benefit dissolves, the behavior attached to it often dissolves just as quickly. What once felt sincere can vanish without resistance, almost instantly. Like rain erasing footprints from the ground, the underlying motive quietly washes away the appearance of feeling.

And this is where the tension becomes personal. Because the change rarely comes from nowhere. It begins the moment you stop negotiating your worth through others. When you no longer shape yourself to secure approval. When something inside you settles into a quieter, more grounded permission to exist as you are, to breathe without justification, to make choices that align with your own direction. From the outside, this change can feel unsettling to those who were unconsciously participating in the old exchange. The dynamic no longer holds in the same way. Familiar roles loosen. Predictability disappears. And what they experience as discomfort often gets projected back onto you, as if your change created the instability, rather than revealed what was already there. I am simply not gonig to be comfortable for others. 

And in that moment, a difficult realization arrives. Not everyone who held your hand truly wanted to keep holding it... "no matter what"... Some were simply walking beside you while the road was comfortable. While they felt warm. While they didn’t have to choose you over themselves. And this is where it matters not to harden. Because this truth does not make people bad. It makes them real... Everyone acts from their own depth, from their fears, from their capacity to sustain closeness without benefit. They all have their own tool box... And if you expanded your toolbox and acquired an axe... well, but they only have pliers... So not everyone is ready for that.

Sometimes a person leaves not because you became less, but because it became impossible to pretend around you. Impossible to stay in a role. Impossible to keep receiving without giving. So they choose a place where it feels easy again... This is the point of maturity. Not learning how to hold on. Not becoming more convenient or stronger. But learning how to see. To see where you are chosen. And where you are used as a background for someone else’s life. And gradually, something else appears within you: precision and not bitterness, not resentment, but discernment. You stop clinging to presence and begin to value the presence that remains without conditions. Because real closeness is not built on benefit or guarantees. It does not disappear when things become difficult. It does not turn a person into an umbrella that gets thrown away once the rain stops. It remains... Especially when the storm begins. 

And that is when everything becomes visible. Who is capable of being there not for something, but simply because it is you. Who can hold your truth, not just your convenience. Who does not leave when things become deeper, quieter, more honest. Value not those who are with you in clear weather. Value those who stay when the sky darkens. Because in that moment, everything unnecessary falls away. And only what is real remains.

 

When I die, do not come to my grave and do not sit beside it, telling me how much you love me and miss me. I needed those words while I was alive.