I see a lot of women in my life now with the same "story", different actors, and different stage, but the same story...

There is a form of male manipulation that does not destroy a woman immediately. It does not look openly cruel. It does not even look like abuse. Sometimes it even disguises itself as a “special connection,” a “complicated love,” a karmic relationship, depth, or an inability to let each other go... that emotional impossibility. But in reality, it is the chronic suspension of a woman inside emotional waiting.

Especially when a man disappears for weeks or months at a time. He retreats into silence, distance, his “complexity,” crisis, depression, life, work, spiritual searching, or inner struggles. It does not even matter where he goes anymore. What matters is that the woman is left alone inside an emotional vacuum, trying to understand what happened, what she did wrong, why the man who spoke about love suddenly removed his presence from her life.

And the cruelest part is this: he comes back! Like sunshine after a storm! Warm... Emotional... aaaaw and missing her! Speaking beautifully... Making promises "I will never leave you".... Sometimes offering even deeper confessions than before... Amazing insights about his "deep work"... And the woman opens again because the human heart, the loving heart, naturally wants to believe in love, not destruction. Especially when there was real intimacy between them. Especially when the connection felt emotionally profound. And then the cycle begins again. Closeness.... Hope... Conversations about the future... Emotional intimacy... Sometimes an almost unbearable depth of connection!

And then... disappearance again... Silence again... Uncertainty again... The woman once more trying to gather herself back together while simultaneously justifying the person who emotionally abandoned her all over again. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? 

One psychologist described this dynamic perfectly as “feeding.” Because the woman is given exactly enough warmth and hope to prevent her from fully leaving. This is not love. It is emotional rationing. Small doses of presence between long periods of emptiness. And the human nervous system can absolutely become addicted to this cycle, to these swings...  Because after emotional starvation, even the smallest amount of attention feels intoxicating! After weeks or months of silence, one message creates a dopamine rush. After distance, minimal closeness starts feeling like proof of love. And slowly the woman begins confusing relief from pain with actual love. It is an addiction! 

But love should never look like intermittent reinforcement... being emotionally pulled close and abandoned over and over again. At that point, it is no longer love. It is a nervous system trapped on a carousel. And yes, sometimes these men are deeply wounded themselves. Sometimes they grew up in homes where silence was punishment, distance was control, and emotional unavailability was considered normal. Some men genuinely do not know how to sustain closeness. They may even miss you, even love you, feel drawn to you, while simultaneously disappearing every time the relationship demands maturity, responsibility, decisions, or real-life change. And the painful part is that - they lived perfectly their own life somewhere else WITHOUT YOU. 

But the woman is not destroyed only by the man himself. She is destroyed by the constant anticipation of his next return. Part of her psyche remains permanently open to him. Waiting for that message. Waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to finally understand, decide, choose her not only emotionally, but in reality. And this is where the most dangerous thing begins.

The woman slowly loses contact with reality and starts living inside the man’s potential instead of his actual behavior. She falls in love not with what consistently exists, but with who he briefly becomes during temporary moments of warmth. But an adult person is not defined by rare emotional intensity. An adult person is defined by consistency.

Real love is not disappearing for months and then returning with another “truth from the heart.” Real love can sustain presence, conversations, consequences, real life with real choices!  And one of the most painful truths for many women is realizing that a man’s beautiful feelings and words do not automatically mean he is capable of building a life beside her. 

Sometimes a man truly does love. But the love inside him is still not strong enough to make him emotionally adult in his actions. And then the woman must stop trying to save the relationship. 

She must save herself. Because endless waiting destroys the body, the nervous system, self-worth, and health. The woman becomes anxious, hypervigilant, emotionally exhausted. She no longer feels safe even during moments of closeness because her body already knows: “This will disappear again.”  Eventually there comes a moment when she must stop trying to heal someone through her love. She must stop feeding the cycle. Stop explaining. Stop begging. Stop rescuing. Stop understanding endlessly. Stop waiting for another awakening, another promise, another return. 

Sometimes the only thing that truly interrupts this dynamic is a hard return to boundaries. Not hysteria, revenge, drama. But a calm internal decision: “You no longer have access to me between your disappearances. Yes, fuck you!” It needs to be said, because many toxic people survive precisely through this feeding system: through knowing the woman will remain emotionally available no matter how many times they return after abandoning her. 

And this is where the system finally begins to collapse. When the woman no longer explains her pain. When she no longer rushes toward him after another return. When she refuses to re-enter the same cycle of love, promises, disappearance, and return. When tears are replaced by calmness. When waiting is replaced by distance. When “I understand you” becomes: “No. Access to my life is no longer free.” Sometimes the only treatment for these dynamics is complete withdrawal of emotional feeding. Because some people only change when they lose access to the person who endlessly tolerated their emotional immaturity. And sometimes they never change at all. And it's totally ok! 

That is when the woman finally understands that her task was never to wait long enough to receive love. Her task was to stop betraying herself for somebody else’s potential future.