Today another catharsis happened! I saw the same pattern at once in several layers of my life. In one — family, friends, almost invisible. In another — romantic, subtle, filled with expectations and projections. There was also a third one — work and friendship. Even there! But today only when the first two scenes stood side by side, without excuses and spiritual explanations, I understood that this is not about “other people.” This is about a mechanism in which I lived for far too long. All these scenes, as it turned out, have long been showing the same direction. This was not a revelation in the style of “everything became clear.” It was some quiet recognition, calm, precise, and irreversible. Systems I work with explains everything very well: all these life processes, especially those you have long wanted to exit and slam the door. It’s simply the colors of life, how everything overlays onto such a beautiful limitation that is called the Matrix, but I call it LIFE!

The essence of this mechanism is simple and cruel at the same time: supporting other people’s illusions at the expense of my resource. There were illusions of care, and illusions of movement, even illusions of courage and honesty in public, beautifully shown outwardly, but never lived inside… There were so many illusions of the future, just the way I love it! This future that is supposedly already being created in the now, maybe in words, but only if I keep giving myself right now in body. The moment I stop giving resource, the whole illusion disappears, together with the words, together with the promises, together with the life you have been hoping for for years and decades... Oh my! Where is that brilliant future? 

In one case, participation was expected from me so that someone else would not have to face their own helplessness, and someone else would not have to face a feeling of guilt. And I was involved in the middle and I was obliged to give resource to maintain these illusions. Help looked like care, but in fact it did not lead to support, maturity, or responsibility. It only preserved a pretty picture: “we do care,” “something is being done,” “everything is supposedly under control.” My place in this construction was unnoticed, but key: I had to spend my attention, energy, and time so that the illusion could continue to exist. I had to be the doer to keep the illusion of stability for others. 

In the other case everything was packaged even more subtly. There were words about courage, about a path, about choice, about honesty, about freedom... There was publicness of choice, supposedly courageous and brave, gestures, hints, symbols. But if you remove the form, the same logic remained: I was being invited to participate not in reality, but in maintaining an image between other people. For one — an image or illusion of stability, an illusion of choice and quiet happiness. For the other — an image of “finally I am going into truth and doing it publicly.” And I again ended up somehow in the middle. But there were also illusions for me there — an illusion of the future, but into which I already need to invest myself right now sustaining images of other people in their illusions. 

And today I understood that what enchanted me was not love and not connection, but promises of the future. I was being offered to invest precisely now! With my attention, energy, creative force, faith, in exchange for an image of some process that supposedly ALREADY leads to creation. And this process is about to happen any minute now…. But if you look honestly, nothing ever happened there…. the choice never happened there…. Only the maintenance of the picture happened… I looked there for a long time, trying to understand why a person continues to live a double life, why they create an illusion of safety for one and an illusion of courage for the other, why words and actions don’t match. And at some moment the main thing happened: I stopped looking at people and today for the first time truly looked at myself. I saw that what was holding me was not connection, but exactly inertia and the lack of alternatives. Here comes the drum roll!

My design is built this way: while the field is empty, energy keeps flowing into the old object.  Not because of some great drama, but because that’s how the mechanics work. It’s still going by inertia and today I accepted that without judgment. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time and I simply imagined that what if that past could return! That person from the past could come and want to be friends with me, for instance, or communicate. And in that moment I honestly felt the response “no.” I felt anxious, it was unclear, especially with the fact that I still somehow worry about the past. And then last night clarity came: I don’t know how to be open and friendly with that past today... between us there is already such a huge abbyss. Such that even if hypothetically something returns, I will not be able to be in it. My body, my system, my inner truth no longer go there… I am completely closed... I actually saw how closed I was! 

I realized a very important thing about myself. I am one of those who tests. My personality will always test space for authenticity. And if a person truly worthy of my resource enters my life, I will not need to persuade myself, hold on, or strain. I will be completely open and it will be natural. I will not be afraid of depth, intensity, or closeness or any problems because I know anything can be lived through, together (key word). I open completely where there is a real choice, not a promise of a choice. And if there are promises, but the choice still doesn’t happen, then my openness will close into a shell. More and more. Slowly, but surely... And now I clearly see that I am sitting in a very deep shell, and you can pull me out of there either by boiling me in hot oil with garlic and eat it, or by nursing me with honesty, choices, real actions… over time... And even then it’s not a fact that I will like these actions or nursing...  I will be testing again… if they offer me to be a source of energy for someone else’s indecision, illusions, or double life, then my body no longer goes there. And I feel this very powerfully now.

In my design there is also the number 4. This is friendliness. And this “clinging” is still by inertia, I simply accept it as it is… I now clearly understand the mechanics of how this system works too. Right now I am simply building a new clearing, not as an escape and not as a replacement, but exactly as an exit from the old program where love equaled self-spending, and light equaled self-disappearing. Meaning my 2 is testing for worthiness of possessing me and my resources, but my 4 is being friendly... Friendship is the most important thing for me.

When I test though, I don’t test others out of coldness, I do it out of maturity. Because I no longer want to be a means for maintaining other people’s constructions at my expense.. Yes, right now I still might be pulled by inertia. It will be honest to admit that. But today I also know something else about my 4: as soon as a real replacement appears in my field, not some specific person, although it can be anything and anyone… I’m talking more about replacement as reality, I guarantee you 200% — this inertia will disappear by itself in a second. How do I know? Because I’ve done it my whole life! I know HOW exactly this design works! That’s how my design works! I don’t sit in emptiness for long. Especially now, after my inner coming out, with my strength, with my femininity, with my beauty, which I no longer hide and do not make smaller so as not to scare anyone. Not that empty beauty, but inner beauty, when you understand who you are, what you can offer, and what power you have over other people. Yes, I confess, it intoxicates me when I hear compliments from other people, both women and men. Yes, I know I won’t be able to sit in the shell for long, but I 100% know that my shell is doing the right things and is selecting truly worthy people, truly worthy life, truly the power of creation. And there, if I open, then no one from my past will ever again have power over me. How do I know? I lived it in the past... I am not pushing for a new life this time though. that is a great shift! 

Yes! My nature is the combination of solitary knowledge and life in the field of people. Inside — silence, naturalness, innate understanding. Outside — a network, closeness, a circle, a space where knowledge is transmitted not through a stage, but through contact. I’m not about mass scale, like I used to think. I’m exactly about living influence. About a place where people come not because they “should,” but because they are called and you can’t do anything about it!

The numbers of numerology confirmed this surprisingly accurately. My year, my date of birth,  resonate strongly with what I live and realize through Human Design. Three — as the energy of knowledge, growth, strategy, and realization. Not emotional fuss, but clear movement and systemness. Four — as inner truth, honesty with oneself, stability that does not tolerate falseness. My birthday is on the 3rd, my new place is also under number 3. My whole date of birth is a 4.

My consciousness wants truth, and the environment I create supports experiment and development. I don’t hold on to forms that are no longer alive. I outgrow them. I also have a lot of 5s, and that is about freedom, body, sexuality, intellect, and risk. This explains why I always go where there is no instruction yet, and why old systems or beliefs around me start to crack. Not because I want to destroy… by the way, I always feared destruction, now I know why — my presence exposes mismatches. I have Pluto 18 — and that is a freaking powerful uncovering of "dirt" and what doesn’t work aka illusions. And that makes me very inconvenient for those who want to live in illusions and very valuable for those who go into truth.

Love in me is not a sacrifice. It is a space that holds. That’s why it is so important for me to create a home, a circle, a place where it’s possible to be real without losing yourself. And that’s why I no longer participate in scenarios where service gets replaced by savior-ism. My dharma is not a duty to others, it is responsibility to myself and the life I live through the body. It is service not through explanation, but through presence. I don’t teach how to live, it’s just that next to me life starts aligning by itself. And for that to be possible, I can no longer give my resource in exchange for promises and hints.

Today I clearly saw what enchanted me. Not love, no. Illusions… Promises of the future. Hints of “later” and “soon.” Storylines in which I was being asked to give already now and endure and wait, in exchange for the image of a process that supposedly leads to creation. And in both stories the final point turned out to be the same. First — so that I would give. Then — so that I would have nothing left. And only after that — awakening. But I no longer want to reach light through zeroing out. I choose another path: to see the illusion before it eats my entire resource. I no longer participate in processes where movement is simply portrayed and choice is not made. I see very clearly the theater, the actors, and the performance. I no longer support someone else’s courage, someone else’s care, and someone else’s life at the cost of my own. My presence next to you is not a tool for your growing up. It is precisely a consequence of a real choice… BY YOU! And if someone enters my field, this is possible only from wholeness. Not from need, not from guilt, not from fear of being alone or FOMO, not from a pretty image. Yes, it will be there too, and in me too… but it will no longer be a theater of illusions… It will be an honest living of what is. Today I clearly realized that all this time I actually had nothing, and there were only words and illusions… I no longer wait until I have nothing left to recognize my light. I recognize my resource now. And that is why it stops leaking and becomes abundance.