The quietest and most radical turning point in a woman’s life does not happen when she starts earning more money, because she wants to be independent. It does not happen when she becomes independent on the outside. It happens in the moment she stops agreeing to violence. Not obvious violence. Not the kind that is easy to recognize from the outside. But the kind that was woven into her long before she had words. Violence disguised as upbringing, as discipline, as “this is how it has to be,” as “we know better,” as “you were told to do so”, as survival.

Many of us grew up in environments where fear was used as a tool of love. Where you could be loved, but only if you conformed. Where authority could not be questioned. EVER! And the authority here could be anyone: your parents, elderly, your teachers, your friend’s father or mother, your boyfriend, your best friend even, your husband, even your children…  Where your “no” did not matter. Where, directly or indirectly, you learned: if you do not submit to their will, you will be punished one way or the other. You will be rejected. You will lose connection. You will disappoint them. And that child does the only thing possible – adapt! The child learns to adapt. That child agrees… The child doesn’t want to do something, but the child is afraid, because that child has to survive… In that moment, a deep program is formed: to preserve love, you must abandon yourself. You must swallow your “no.” You must learn to tolerate. You must learn to bend. You must learn to become convenient. You must learn to endure. You must learn to wait. You must learn to not disturb with “silly whining”. 

At some point this becomes normal for the nervous system. It becomes habitual. For that child’s nervous system – THIS pattern is normal! And when the girl becomes a woman, this program continues to run. Automatically. Quietly. Disguised as her own choice. She finds herself in relationships that hurt, and she… stays. She must endure, she must wait, she must tolerate…. Where her boundaries are crossed, and she remains silent, she must swallow your tears and her pain. Where she feels the truth inside, but explains it away, minimizes it, tolerates it. And the most painful moment comes when she realizes: she was taught this. Taught to fear the people she loves with all her heart. Taught to accept what destroys her. Taught that love requires enduring pain... and violence…

And then this program begins to replay itself, now through her relationship with a man. Now he is the authority! She thought she grew up, but that child inside – never had a chance to feel safe… So, the pattern continues… If a woman has learned to agree to violence inside herself, the world will reflect that agreement. For a Great Mother nothing is a punishment, it is THE wish! It is the continuation of life after all.

Boundaries that are not protected internally cannot be protected externally. And a man, often unconsciously, will relate to the version of the woman that agrees. At first he will admire her for being so amazing, comfortable, agreeable, flexible, fun… but then he will push for more… but she has no ability to say “no”… This is how violence survives across generations. Not only through force. Through internal consent shaped by fear. This pattern has existed in human systems for centuries. You can see it clearly in structures like slavery or military hazing. Those who were once powerless, humiliated, and controlled often become the ones who later repeat the same behavior toward those beneath them. Not because they are inherently cruel, but because this is the only structure of power they were taught.

In many military cultures, new recruits are humiliated and broken down by older soldiers. And when those recruits survive long enough, they become the ones doing the same to the next generation. The victim becomes the enforcer. The wounded becomes the one who wounds. The system sustains itself through repetition. A new recruit dreams of being free when they get more experience, but they are still slaves – someone else is still above them… the only difference is that now they have their own slaves too.

This is how violence hides. It does not always appear as evil. It appears as tradition, as a habit, as discipline, as “this is how it has always been.” And the same mechanism lives inside families, and later inside intimate relationships. This is what modern marriage is built upon. Don’t believe me? Look at the statistics. Ask anyone in long-term relationships or marriage if they are happy. The best answer you will hear is that they are comfortable to a degree. Comfort is simply their familiarity. See above – their nervous system adapted to fear and stress, so it became normal. Normal to hide your true self from your loved ones, normal to lie to them, normal to secretly hate them wishing them death or so they will leave first, so they can finally be free to live that wonderful life they imagined.

It continues… Unless someone chooses to stop it. And that someone is me this time.

But this is also where everything begins to change. Because at some point, a woman stops agreeing. She begins to see. She sees where she abandoned herself. Where she chose fear over truth. Where she accepted less than what she is. And she begins to reclaim her right not to bend. No, she is not angry nor is she a rebellion. Because it becomes impossible to live otherwise. And in that moment, the old system begins to break. Because the old model of relationships between men and women was built, to a large degree, on fear and dependence, creating co-dependency, the Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, we ALL live like that…  On the fact that a woman could not leave. On the fact that she needed. On the fact that she could be held through fear, fear of loss, fear of judgement, fear of abandonment, fear of survival itself. But when a woman no longer lives from fear, that mechanism stops working. And the world begins to shift.

Have you noticed how lately some men react to female confidence with discomfort? With irritation? With attempts to dismiss, diminish, or restore “how it used to be”? This is not accidental. Because the primary tool of the old system, which is fear, is disappearing. For centuries, power was tied to control of resources. A man was the gateway through which a woman accessed security, stability, and opportunity. He provided, he protected, he decided. But today, the axis of value has shifted.

Today, what matters is attentiveness. Emotional intelligence and maturity. Presence. Creativity. Responsibility. The ability to create connection, not control it. And women have learned to stand on their own ground. Those strategies of adaptation, sensing and feeling the environment? Those are very helpful now to scan for the old habitual patterns of fear. And… she can provide for herself. She can actually choose. She can leave too. She can refuse. And for the first time in history, a new reality emerges. A man can no longer be kept through necessity. And a woman can no longer be kept through fear. Only one space remains where they can truly meet.

Maturity. Which means a man should be adapting too. A man should be growing too. This means the old mechanisms no longer work. A woman cannot be forced to love through control. She cannot be held through fear. A relationship cannot be sustained through her dependence. Now a man is invited to meet a woman who is free. And this requires something new of him. He must learn to respect her voice. Learn to listen. Learn to stand beside her, not above her, beside, but “bigger” in a sense of maturity. Learn to create closeness, not control. Learn to be chosen, not needed. This is not the loss of masculine strength. This is its evolution!  Because true strength no longer lives in the ability to dominate. It lives in the ability to meet an equal in respect for being so different. And this cannot be reversed.  A woman who has stopped agreeing to violence within herself will not return to who she was. Which means only one thing. A new era of relationships has begun. For me for sure!

This is an era where love is no longer built on fear and violence.