Waiting when there is no clarity is one of the most underestimated and most mature practices of the soul. In this space the mind begins to rush, the body tightens, and old memory whispers, “do something, protect yourself, close down.” Yet this is exactly where the subtle line runs between a trauma reaction and a conscious choice. Waiting does not mean freezing in helplessness. Waiting means holding the tension of uncertainty without turning your pain into violence: toward yourself, toward another, or toward life.
And yet there is an important distinction I only saw recently. There is living waiting: from a place of presence. And there is the false “waiting for clarity,” when a person is actually fixated on their trauma. From that position, clarity does not arrive. It cannot arrive. Because attention keeps circling back to the site of injury instead of the lessons and conclusions that could grow from it. and we know that now - where you focus is becoming YOUR reality! nothing new will every surfice.
When we speak about trauma, it is important to feel the difference between what many call Trauma with a capital T and trauma with a small t. Capital-T Trauma is the moment that shatters reality in one blow: it is an acute event where the nervous system is overwhelmed beyond its capacity to integrate. It is visible, undeniable, often dramatic. For example, your father was shot in front of your eyes, and there were no bullets left for you... But small-t trauma is far more insidious and, in many lives, far more formative. It is the slow erosion of safety through repeated emotional and psychological pressure, subtle boundary violations, chronic dismissal, manipulation, or the quiet training of the body to override its own “no.” It does not always announce itself as "trauma" because there is no single explosion to point to. Instead, it accumulates in layers until adaptation becomes personality. This is why healing requires more than naming the wound, the trauma. It requires the courage to notice where survival strategies have fused with identity, and to gently separate who you truly are from the intelligent, once-necessary ways your system learned to endure. It's that chronic state "brace for the impact". The fear is so strong that it is impossible to control the "blow". However, when you train your focus over and over and over again (yeah, during my sessions with my teacher, we created simulation for the real life!) - you "see" something and when it happens you start "hearing" something very different.
At some point in my own process, I discovered an unexpected doorway: the language I used was shaping the state of my body. The word "trauma" carries a heavy, contracting charge. When I spoke it, I could feel how my nervous system subtly tightened, how the body prepared to defend, how identity gravitated toward the role of the wounded one. Nothing was “wrong” with the word, it names something real, not just for me, but for my generations before me! But I began to notice that it also held me inside a particular physiological posture. When I started experimenting with different language like conditioning, programming, patterning, something in my body responded differently. There was more space. More curiosity. Less collapse. These words did not deny what happened! They changed my relationship to it. Instead of feeling like a fixed injury, the experience began to feel like learned circuitry that could be observed, updated, and rewired. Language is not neutral for the nervous system. Your words you use for yourself condition you to the life you are living. Certain words reinforce contraction and identity with the wound, while others invite agency and movement. For me, this shift in vocabulary did not erase the past, but it opened a new somatic pathway: one where healing felt less like repairing something broken and more like consciously reprogramming a living, intelligent system. Your brain adapted so it doesn't have to throw a lot of resources, it simply holds what is efficient!
"I am not what happened to me,
I am what I choose to be,
Each step I take, I shift I rise,
The past dissolves before my eyes"
When the focus is locked onto the "trauma" aka "what was done TO me", the nervous system continues to live in threat mode. Then any waiting for clarity becomes simply a frozen survival response. It's not waiting... it is a paralysis between two or more fear states... From the outside it may look like caution or depth. But inside, the old circuit is still running: I was hurt, therefore the world is unsafe, therefore I must not move, therefore I must not open. Inside this loop, clarity truly never stabilizes.
This becomes especially subtle for emotionally sensitive people like me (with emotional authority). When you live through waves of feeling, it becomes essential to see the layer beneath the emotions. Emotions themselves are not a compass, they are your weather. They are energy in motion. If you wait for clarity by simply watching emotional waves rise and fall, you can wait forever. They are just indication of what is moving through you - your typical reactions...
When I began to look deeper, I saw that beneath every emotion there is a task. Beneath fear one task. Beneath tension another. Beneath grief... yet another. BUT! If you look only at the surface of the feeling, clarity keeps slipping away. Because behind every possible answer, polarity immediately rises: fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of making the “wrong” move and naturally fear of being punished. Polarity is not designed to give us final clarity. It is designed to generate experience. And when a person remains stuck in the victim position of the past, in the story of what was done to them, what they were denied, where they were broken, they can wait for clarity for a very long time. Sometimes this waiting stretches across years, even across an entire lifetime. Beneath the surface, it can become an exquisitely refined way of staying disconnected from one’s own power. When you are caught inside strong emotional polarities, choice itself seems to disappear. The system feels locked. Vision narrows. In that state, it is genuinely difficult to recognize that you have already walked into a situation that cannot nourish you. It is like sitting in a restaurant where the entire menu is filled with dishes your body does not want or cannot tolerate due to allergies... yet you remain at the table because your inner clarity is blurred. You keep waiting for the “right” option to appear, convinced you must choose something from what is being offered. But the deeper truth is already quietly present inside you... The real tension is not about which dish to pick. It is the moment of seeing that the polarized mind presents only false options: starve while waiting for certainty, or consume what you know is not aligned with you.
The third movement, the one emotional overwhelm often hides, is the simplest and the most radical of all: you are allowed to stand up and leave. and if you are a Manifesting Generator like me, you only catch your response in the body and THAT is your decision without any questions asked, EVEN if your emotions are polarized with fear and excitement at the same time. and then I can manifest another restaunrant for myself (I am Manifesting Generator after all), but here, at this place, I see the choice of my body: LEAVE, because the menu that has been offered does not work for me! It is probably easier for Manifestors in this sense - they simply know that they must leave immediately... unless they are stuck in the "trauma" and all those fears of moving, hence are paralyzed in that restaurant, trying to come up with some creative iteration of what is... and nothing is satisfactory... because it is the same stick, but now it has a pointy end so you can pick at bugs... but you don't want bugs...
At some point I saw very clearly: adapting to trauma is not the same as moving beyond it. You can beautifully explain why you are closed or paralyzed. You can intellectually map your patterns, explain everything through your faith in God (or claims to Him), through other external events that happened to you and therefore prevents you from living the path you actually want to take. You can even speak eloquently about trust... But if inside there still lives the position of “this was done to me,” clarity does not anchor in the body. And where clarity does not anchor, real trust cannot grow... not in yourself, not in life, not in God.
And this is where adulthood arrives, whether we welcome it or not. If you are over thirty or if you are over forty, especially. If you have lived some life already... at some point you must face a simple, almost uncomfortable truth where your logic of your past collapses. THe logic is simple.... At one moment in time, two people said “yes” to life. However imperfectly YOU think it happened or even THEY think it happened. Under whatever conditions. Whoever created ALL THESE STORIES about the fact what happened to you actually.... the essential thing, that fact, already happened — you were given life. They may have told you stories about your conception, then you continued these stories in your story-telling mind about it, because you HAD to explain it to yourself, using all those words that would condition your mind to justify who you think you are and why you are doing things you are doing! Yeah, it is THEM! Assholes! However! Life itself is an act of love. Even if much pain followed... Even if love was inconsistent.... Even if the form of that love was distorted by manipulation or violence or lies... or it was immature... The simple fact that life passed through two bodies and continued in you carries a primordial “yes” that cannot be erased. YOU EXIST!
And at some point the adult voice begins to sound different. Not “I was not given enough.” But “I can now show what I need.” Not “why was I not loved correctly.” (um... did you come with the instructions to this life? Can I read it? Do you actually know what "correctly" means?) But “how do I choose to love myself now.” (you are an adult - show me how it's done!!!) This does not erase the past. It does not invalidate the pain NOR your parents who at one point said "yes" to YOUR LIFE. But it returns the point of power to where it belongs - inside your own choice. NOW you can show others how it is done! NOW you can show the whole world on what it means to be you, what it means to LOVE and BE LOVED the way YOU want it. Show it, please! Don't wait for "them" to love you, while you manipulate them indirectly. TELL THEM directly how you need to be loved! Why can't you? ooooh! because they will hear the truth? and reject you? I have been rejected many times - I still exist. and I see new people are coming into my life. As we say back home - a holy place is never empty!
I felt this same inner shift very clearly during a recent tantric bodywork masterclass. As I watched the teacher’s hands, how gently and precisely she guided a man’s energy from the lower centers toward the heart, something deeply familiar and at the same time entirely new began to rise in my body. It was deeply sensual. Alive. Warm. And at the same time, profoundly calm. In a field of maturity, sexual energy stops being a chaotic impulse that must be feared or suppressed or forced. It becomes a current that can be felt, directed, and opened. Very arousing - yes. Deeply embodied - absolutely! Yet filled with so much oxytocin warmth that there is almost no room left for aggression. My teacher said that tantric sex is only between two people, there is never anyone third or forth. Tantric sex is always about consent, because THIS type of tanta is practiced unprotected and it is deeply spiritual, embodied and transformative... ah! makes so much sense! However, she gives these tantric massages to strange men! and she clarified - even though she is naked during these sessions, there is never penetration or any oral sex or kisses. It is pure sensual and it is a somatic healing session for a man.
When I asked about fear, the question came from my older wiring, where threads of violation had once been woven into my body’s memory - aren't you afraid of the rape? Her answer was simple and precise: consent and boundaries are established long before touch begins. The readiness of the man is just as important as the readiness of the facilitator. When the field is built cleanly and ecologically and in transparency, when the body is not in survival mode, the energy is experienced differently. Not as an impulse to take. But as a wave of pleasure, warmth, and expansion of your energy/consicousness. And in that moment I saw even more clearly: my fear belonged to the past... It was part of my programming and that conditioning. But it no longer defined my choice today. I now know what I need to practice before offering something like this to men. Sacral dance is perfect for women, however, men would need something different... not sure yet, I am still sitting on this impulse and I'd need more classes and a lot of practice before I go public... Just need to "feel" who'd be the willing participant.
When you begin to see this within yourself, a very quiet inner woman awakens. The one who knows. The one who senses. The one who leads those shapes that are forming in the field already. The one who can feel powerful life force moving through the body, without collapsing into it, without tightening, without returning to old scripts. In these states, a nearly mystical sense of trust in life begins to emerge.
As if life itself breathes through you. As if God experiences through your body, your heart, your hands, your honesty... And then a paradoxical feeling unfolds: not only am I learning to trust God… but somehow He is trusting ME to live this life fully and truthfully, He is trusting ME to made decisions, ME to walk the path. He is holding my hand and blessing me for this journey.