Apparently, I am a woman with a mission. That is simply how my life unfolded. However, I would benefit from someone who has a sturctured mind to shape ALL that in my mission into steps. And it also happened that I have not had sexual contact with a man for a long time. I used to look at this as a pause, as a strange empty space between cycles of life. Now I am beginning to understand that my body knew far more than my mind was ready to admit. I had to endure this pause instead of jumping over it, instead of filling it, instead of numbing it with new experiences. Only in this silence did it become visible what had previously been drowned out by the chemistry of attraction and my habitual bodily response. I began to distinguish where there was living desire in me and where there were old dependent patterns that kept leading me through the same loop again and again. Those patterns were not about intimacy. They were about attachment, about familiar tension, about that invisible pull that feels like magnetism in the body but is often just a well-learned neural pathway. My body needed time to unstick itself from the automatic responses, from hormonal inertia, from scenarios where energy rises quickly and then drains into nowhere. Only now, looking back at that nearly silent period, do I see clearly: it was not emptiness. It was a deep system recalibration. The body was removing excess noise. The nervous system was quieting the static. My sexuality was being reassembled without the old hooks.

There is a well-known fact: humans and dolphins are the only species on this planet that engage in sex for pleasure. Not only for reproduction. Not only for biology. For experience.

In 2025 my sexuality almost went offline. At the time it looked like decline, like system fatigue. Now I see that it needed to disconnect from an old repeating pattern, it was working, but its energy was sent to that disconnection. Today, during meditation, I felt what I can only describe as the breath of the dragon, or the Fire of Phoenix. LOL The fire did not simply return. It awakened! woa! but it did awaken differently.

And this is where an uncomfortable question appears, one that few people are willing to ask out loud. If nature is optimized for reproduction, why does it need grandmothers? Most species are simple in this regard: while you can reproduce, you are biologically valuable. When the reproductive window closes, life typically declines quickly. Yet in humans and dolphins there is the grandmother phenomenon. Females live for decades after fertility ends.

Today, for the first time, I felt in my body why. Yes, my gynecologist says I still ovulate a little. But that is no longer the point. My sexuality has awakened in a completely different quality. Can I call it fully conscious yet? Not quite. It is still unfolding. The story of the double creation of the human still lives in my field and continues to unpack layer by layer. At first there was resistance in me to accept that my body is made of earth, that it is mortal, that it has an expiration window, that there is some Master over me... But today a different understanding arrived. Yes, I am Earth. Yes, my body has limited time. And yes, life in this body moves with unsettling speed. When I look back, it is almost shocking how quickly everything disappears. You blink, and entire eras of your life are already behind you. So, if you think that you have all that life ahead of you, yes, but not in this body. THIS life matters. 

This is where another layer of creation reveals itself. God as an unfinished process. Life as continuous becoming. As an earthly human I have a finite trajectory in this body. But as consciousness I exist inside an ongoing act of creation. And the question becomes brutally simple: what am I creating now in THIS body? Especially after reproduction is no longer the central axis.

Today I saw my sexuality from a different angle. This is not about reproduction. It is an enormous creative resource, the same force many traditions called Qi or Chi, the force that keeps the heart beating. At first this energy was given to me to create humans, my daughters. But now? Why does nature need me as a post-reproductive woman? The answer came through the body. My body has always known when and how to enter sexual connection. When I look honestly at my experience, I see a very clear sequence that I used to try to explain with my mind but now simply recognize. First there is what I call the “walk.” It is an energetic scan, a compatibility test between fields. We can walk for an hour, weeks, sometimes months. This is the stage where the bodies have not touched yet, but the field is already in conversation. Hence, my need in physical presence... My body is extremely sensitive. I begin absorbing a person energetically long before physical contact, and at the somatic level I quickly know whether this is my person or not, whether I feel expansion in their presence or a subtle inner contraction. This is not a thought and not a logical checklist. It is an immediate bodily response of the system. In my Human Design I have three right arrows, and I genuinely experience myself as a walking receiver. I do not so much create the contact as I read it with my whole body. From the outside the space between us may look neutral, but internally a very precise tuning process is already underway.

The second stage is physical compatibility. I am a deeply embodied woman. I need to smell the man, taste him, feel the temperature of his skin. I need to absorb him at the level of the body. This is not intercourse yet, but the elements of sexuality are already present: kisses, touch, deep somatic attunement. In my experience this has often resembled a kind of tantric initiation of the man through the body, slow and attentive, without rushing toward a finish line.

Then the naturally the third level... And this is where I finally saw what I used to miss. When a man receives this depth of bodily access without clear intention and without direction, the field begins to distort. In my past stories the first two stages often unfolded beautifully. Energetic compatibility, yes. Physical compatibility, yes. And then we would enter fusion without understanding why. There was no named intention, no clarity, no vector for where the energy was meant to flow.  And yes, my type needs to hear the offer. Even if it is simple. “Let’s get a drink.” My body will know the answer. Or even more direct: “I want you.” My body will know the answer to that too. Because the truth is, I am not only waiting for some grand, world-shifting mission to appear in a man. Sometimes the connection is meant to be lighter. Sometimes it is simply about ерфе pleasure, about contact, about a moment of shared fire.

But the difference now is this: my body decides first and if there is no clear offer... I already know the answer in my body. In fact, it is allergic now to wishy-washy crap. I smell bullshit with every cell... My body knows whether this experience will nourish me or drain me. It knows whether the energy will circulate and feed life, or leak into the familiar fucking nowhere. It knows whether this man can meet me cleanly in the moment, even if the moment is just the moment. And I trust that knowing far more than I trust beautiful words.

That is when the old pattern would begin: push and pull, closeness and retreat, intensity and silence, attraction and disappearance. Enormous amounts of life force were spent maintaining the illusion of “we are together, but.... I need 10 years to figure shit out first”... and not on creating anything real in the moment... This is where another layer of understanding opened.

Masculine energy, by its nature, sets direction... you can argue this fact all you want! Feminine energy structures, receives, embodies and amplifies the field. This is what creates polarity. This is what generates sexual charge! and I felt that man in my meditation today... the power of that charge, the direction clarity, the clear understanding of the offer, roles and consequences after. It is intoxicating to be lead by a man like that! A man fills himself through choosing a mission, through that connecting to God, to that higher wave of that ocean - that WAVE is the pulse of God he feels and moves with that wave...  A woman fills herself through choosing herself, amplifying the wave, the field, the charge... For living current to exist between them, those priorities cannot be identical in vector. The sex becomes a ritual! 

But my reality now is more complex than simplistic formulas. I am a woman who has chosen herself. And! I am also a woman with a mission. This creates a very different configuration of the field. It means that the man who can truly stand beside me is a man whose mission is not decorative, not conceptual, but very much alive in his nervous system and scaled to the truth of his own soul and even Spirit. A man whose direction is strong enough that my own mission does not throw him off center, but instead finds intelligent dialogue with it... and my mission compliments his mission which becomes one mission with a very charged field. I have learned this the embodied way. When a woman’s internal scale begins to exceed the man’s lived direction, if he actually had one to begin with... maybe those were just beautiful words... so, when a woman's internal scale begins to exceed.... something in the field inevitably starts to tense. His system begins to brace, to pull back, or to subtly reassert control in order to restore internal balance. I have watched this pattern unfold more than once, and at this point the mechanics of it are no longer abstract to me. Which is why my selection process has become ruthlessly clear. I no longer enter deep bodily intimacy without a clear vector from the man. Without his lived “I am moving there.” Without understanding where the energy will flow if we open it together. My system is no longer available for energetic leakage. And I will say this plainly. Charlatans have no place here - I "smell" you. A man who cannot hold his own depth will not be able to hold my field. This is not arrogance. It is nervous system capacity. It is the ability to stay present inside intensity without collapsing into fog of doubts and confusion and inertia of "one day maybe".

My sexuality now is not about searching. I am finally not searching! It is about precise attunement. About that total pleasure that does not fragment me. About contact that amplifies life rather than diffusing it.

Who are you?