Right now I am not writing as a guru and definitely not as a woman who has everything figured out... I am writing as a woman who has finally stopped running.

For many years there has been one feeling inside me that I tried to keep at a distance. I learned to move around it elegantly. I explained it, rewired it with practices, wrapped it in layers of meaning. I did everything I knew how to do to stay one step ahead of it... And yet, if I am completely honest, somewhere deep in my body I have always known what it feels like to be the one who is not chosen. This morning, during my meditation, I felt almost radiant. My sexual energy was rising, alive, clear, powerful. It opened layers of my own potency that I had not fully seen before. For a moment, I truly felt on top of my world, grounded in my body, connected to something fierce and deeply feminine. I felt it inside - HOW to be the happy woman! And then, by the afternoon, the other wave came. The feeling of rejection rose to its full height, unmistakable and raw. Right now, in this exact moment, my body is showing me my true point. The conditioning is still alive in my system. It has not vanished just because I have done the work. Even my dream last night now makes more sense. My first boyfriend from when I was 19 appeared, unusually tender. We were naked, completely exposed in that quiet way the psyche speaks in symbols. He told me he needed to finally speak the truth. And the truth was simple and piercing: he truly loved my best friend, even though on the surface he had always acted as if he despised her. In the dream, I did something that surprised even me. I accepted the truth. I told her. And she received him openly.

My body knew before my mind was ready to admit it. How deeply the experience of abandonment is written into me and that even in my dream I ran away from pain and hurt... I pretending to accept it... How familiar my nervous system is with this state: when my love is present, but the choice is not. And I have nothing to do with this love... Just sit in this pain... all alone... 

Typically I do not allow myself to be this way... I would have already started moving! Looking for a way out! Looking for proof that I am okay, that I can still be chosen, that I am not alone. and around tons of amazing people! Today I stay... And in that stillness I have to admit something I resisted fully living through for a long time: yes, in my story there was a man who ignited real fire in me. However.... in his world there has always been a place where life feelt calmer, more understandable, and more stable... He was honest about it... Always... And still, some part of me lived in expectation (subtle, almost invisible) that one day the fire would outweigh the stability, that one day the choice would turn in my direction... The biggest motivation to stop resisting is to see the reality again.. When emotional clarity hasn’t fully matured, people often confuse heat and urgency for true compatibility and use commitment to soothe their insecurities, whereas genuine readiness feels calm, freely chosen, and steady enough to expand the self without shaking one’s core... yet if the nervous system is wired to equate love with emotional ignition, even intense chemistry can be misread as real coherence.

Today, for the first time, I stopped arguing with reality. And what turned out to be hardest was not the thought that I am alone right now, but allowing myself to feel it in my body. To feel the not-being-chosen. To feel the abandonment. To feel the humiliation that the body so quickly wants to cover with strength, success, a new love, or spiritual elevation. Suddenly I saw very clearly: until I give this state a place, it will continue to catch up with me in the most unexpected turns of my life: in relationships, in money, in those moments when the heart once again searches for proof of its own worth.

So today I am doing what once felt impossible. I am allowing myself to be in it. Not to collapse. Not to get stuck. But to fully live it. There is a strange, almost unsettling power in stopping the escape from your own tenderness. When you stop urgently trying to prove to the world that you are worthy of being chosen, another kind of support begins to grow inside... quieter, more mature, without the frantic tension. I am not romanticizing pain. I do not enjoy feeling alone. My body remembers very well what full feminine happiness feels like next to a beloved man.

But I am beginning to understand something very clearly. To truly be a happy woman, not from fear, not from hunger, not from inner panic, I must know in my body the other side as well. What it is like when you are not chosen. When love lives inside you and no one stands beside you. When you have to remain in your own truth without external support. This is not about humiliation as an identity. This is about honesty as power.

Today my practice is simple: not to run, not to accelerate, not to rescue myself in familiar ways, but to give this state exactly as much space as it needs so it stops governing my life from the shadows. And if at some point in my life there is a man beside whom my body opens in a calm, clear yes, it will already be a very different woman standing there... a woman who is not suspended in waiting for rescue, a woman who can stand inside her own vulnerability, a woman who can no longer be quietly led away from herself. 

I do not know how quickly this path unfolds. But today, for the first time, I am no longer running. And in that, strangely enough, there is already a great deal of strength.