There are shadows we recognize right away. And there are others we live inside for years, believing they are simply who we are...  

For a long time, I was convinced that being funny was character and my nature. Light... Easy... Convenient... A little strange maybe. Yes, I made faces, I joked and laughed at myself first so you don't have to! As if disarming the world in advance... "Hey! I already made myself small..." It didn’t feel like a defense. It felt like my true character. Like my way of being alive! I truly believed that the fear of looking ridiculous or unattractive was not mine at all. That I was free from shame! That I didn’t care how I was seen... But the truth turned out to be far more subtle. I was not afraid of that clown... I was not afraid of people didn't take me seriously. In fact, THAT place felt safe!  The clown is a perfect disguise. As one woman once told me: “Your clown is just a convenient cover for those who aren’t aware of how deep you truly are inside.” It felt a bit threatening for some reason, and I know why. 

She was right: the clown is easily forgiven, never taken seriously, never seen as dangerous, because he doesn’t disturb other people’s expectations, myths, or sense of stability... people come to laugh at you and with you, then return to their lives, while you remain alone in the dark theater with yourself, the lights off, the show is over until tomorrow...  

Over the weekend, this truth crystallized when we were joking about dressing up as inflatable rats and walking through the mall... some friends were genuinely terrified and only willing to film, while I noticed with absolute clarity that I felt completely comfortable being ridiculous, without any resistance at all. And then it struck me like a lightning bolt: what truly frightened me was something else entirely... not being absurd, but allowing myself to be beautiful. 

Not “cute.” Not “pretty.” But beautiful in a way that is felt, that influences, that carries power....

At some point I saw it clearly: my beauty is not neutral. My body is not just a body. There is energy in it, powerful energy... energy that enters a space and changes it... forever! That awakens feelings, desires, fears, and projections in others. In men especially.... even in women.... And this was exactly what I avoided.  It was easier to look foolish than to acknowledge my intelligence. Easier to be funny than to be soft. Easier to hide behind ugly faces than to step into femininity and sexuality. Because my femininity is not an image... It is responsibility! It is a kind of power one must know how to hold. I was afraid to be seen that beautiful and powerful in public... 

For a long time, I thought I was ashamed of my body. But what I was truly ashamed of was my power. My beauty has an impact on others, my body has a power over others... I am taking it back now! 

After I finally released the video about my transformation (link is below) the same woman wrote to me again: “there’s nothing left of that ‘clown’ anymore… what is left is to only dream of having someone as you... there is so much depth in you… you don’t even fully know it yourself yet. I like who you are now much more.” I am still scared of showing that side of me, but Clown is supportive and gentle to that fragile soft and beautiful side of me. I bet Clown needs to retire and only volunteer on that stage from now on. 

These words were not flattery. They were recognition. Proof that the transition had happened. That the disguise which once felt safe was no longer needed... It was't false, it simply had completed its purpose. The clown was a way to survive. Depth is a way to live. Even now, there is still a tremor in me. Pride and shame sometimes coexist. But I no longer turn away from myself. 

I stay.... Without a mask.... Without a cover... Without the need to be convenient... I am not a doormat anymore! 

And if nothing remains of the “clown,” then he has done his job. Clown led me to the threshold. And beyond it, there is not just laughter, but also presence. No just faces, but also depth that no longer hides.

Here is the transformation of before and after